Can I just say, I hate pronouns. I never gave much thought to how pronouns influence our assumptions about people. Now it seems I’m constantly struggling with when and where it’s okay to use which pronoun. Thankfully, B isn’t offended by my struggles. I think he realizes that it’s hard to stick with his preferred pronouns when there are family members and friends that either don’t know or are less than supportive. I think this blog will help me get more used to the idea that I have a husband and I should refer to him as he. Well, except at work or with certain people. Strangely, the only person I don’t struggle with using male pronouns with when we talk is our daughter. She turned seven a few days ago, and she has taken to the use of “Daddy” and “he” with no trouble. I don’t really know why. Sometimes I think it’s easier that our marriage is going from a lesbian partnership to a heterosexual partnership. Maybe our daughter is relieved to have a Mom and Dad now, like all the other kids.
We had a small rough patch with her in the first few weeks after B came out to her. See, she had asked B if she could call her Daddy. “You just seem more like a Dad,” she said. This was right around the time B was making the decision to transition. He had a discussion with her about his transition. He explained that sometimes boys were born as girls, or girls were born as boys, and they had to go through a process to be their real gender. As you can imagine, a six-year-old came up with some questions. For a few weeks, she would ask me things like, “So I’m just a girl and not supposed to be something else, right?” She asked some form of that question about me, the dog, and other people we know. I found myself talking to her about chromosomes, biological sex, and the difference between sex and gender. (B tells me all the time that I get way too technical with her in my explanations, but I think it’s important to talk to kids in a way that challenges them to understand complicated issues. If you constantly over-simplify things, I feel that they will always settle for the simple answers, instead of looking deeper. It’s just a quirk I have.) My daughter is very much a typical girl, and we frequently have discussions about gender stereotypes and how toys and colors and activities are not really gender specific. As you can imagine, the kids at her school have a very different opinion, so she has a hard time. I know she used to really like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but she stopped liking them because the little boys in her class made fun of her. It’s hard to convince a first grader that she should like whatever she likes, regardless of what the kids at school say.
We made a mistake early on when we told our daughter about B’s transition. B hadn’t told his grandparents yet, and our daughter (I’m gonna call her Elsa to make it easier, and because Frozen!!) Elsa stays with them quite a bit because our work and school schedules are crazy. He asked Elsa to not call him Daddy around them. This turned out to be a major problem that Elsa struggled with. She had some anxiety issues, and we finally figured out that it was too stressful for her to try and keep B’s secret. So B wrote his grandparents a letter about his transition. He thought maybe that would give them the space to have their own reaction without lashing out at him. I guess that partially worked…his grandmother vented to me instead. So not fun, by the way. She went on a predictable tirade about how this “silliness” would affect Elsa. How Elsa is used to B being her mom, and it was confusing for her, and no wonder she was having anxiety. Of course, she railed about how B would never be a real man, and how the whole idea was just ridiculous. It was really hard to sit there and not react in a way that would completely damage the relationship. I just said that Elsa seemed to be doing fine with the whole thing, except that she was upset that other people might not understand. She didn’t say much else, and right now it’s just something we don’t acknowledge with them. Denial….I guess it works for some people.
We went through something similar with Elsa about school. She was upset because some kids were teasing her that she didn’t really have a Dad. B and I went to a surprisingly productive meeting with Elsa’s teacher. We didn’t get overly political or demanding with the woman. We calmly explained the situation and asked if she could have some sort of lesson about accepting differences in each other’s families. She was very understanding and helpful. She said that there were several kids who had different family situations (living with grandparents or other extended family instead of their parents) and a couple of students whose religion made their lives different from their classmates’ lives, and that a lesson about being okay with these differences would benefit everybody. I was really impressed with how she handled the whole thing. She made sure that our daughter knew she could come to her with any problems. It really helped Elsa get comfortable at school again. It also showed us that you never know how someone will react to the situation. It was a nice surprise.
I’m trying to be as accepting of change as my daughter has been. I’m trying to come to terms with my own fears. I’m trying to get comfortable with the new reality of my marriage. It’s amazing how the difference of a few letters makes such an impact on our lives. He, not she. Male, not female. Him, not her. Such a small difference, yet it changes so much.